Understanding Trauma: Reconnecting with Ourselves and Others

Trauma is often misunderstood as a set of symptoms or behavioral issues, but at its core, trauma is a disconnection from the self. This disconnection happens because the pain we feel can be so overwhelming that it forces us to shut down emotionally as a form of survival. Trauma doesn't just affect our emotions; it shapes brain development and profoundly impacts our entire being.

As a society, we are quick to ask, "What's wrong with this person?" instead of the more compassionate question, "What happened to them?" This fundamental shift in perspective is crucial because trauma is not a reflection of someone's inherent worth. When a child experiences neglect or abuse-whether it's being unloved or being hit by a parent —they don't blame their caregivers. Instead, they turn inward, believing they are bad or unworthy of love. As children, they lack the resources or language to express what has happened to them, internalizing the pain instead.

Trauma, in many ways, is generational. The pain and disconnection experienced by one generation often unconsciously pass down to the next. Caregivers who were not nurtured or loved may struggle to give that to their own children. Modern parenting advice, such as ignoring a crying baby to teach them self-soothing, further distances us from our natural need for connection. Babies need regulation and physical touch; it is through connection that they learn to feel safe and secure. This early attachment lays the foundation for healthy emotional development.

In many cases, those who end up in prison or suffering from addiction are people who were not shown love as children. Trauma leads to addiction, not as a conscious choice, but as an attempt to fill an emptiness. Addictions are not moral failings but survival mechanisms, efforts to numb pain or feel whole. They are not inherent flaws but coping strategies for those whose fundamental needs for authenticity and attachment were unmet in childhood.

Our society exacerbates trauma by failing to see and understand the experiences of those who are suffering. Instead of seeing the humanity in people who struggle with homelessness or addiction, we often stigmatize and isolate them. This deepens their trauma, as they internalize feelings of shame and worthlessness. What is needed is a shift toward humanizing those who have been dehumanized. By asking, "What happened to you?" we open the door for people to share their stories without shame.

Healing from trauma requires compassion —for ourselves and for others. It requires seeing beyond behaviors and understanding the deeper emotional wounds that drive them. As human beings, we respond not to the world as it is, but to our perception of it. Trauma shapes that perception, and healing can only begin when we are seen, heard, and loved as we are. By showing ourselves and others compassion, we can begin to break the cycle of trauma and create a more connected, empathetic world.

Recommended book and documentary:

Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What happened to you?

Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Flatiron Books.

Maté, G. (2021). The wisdom of trauma. Science and Nonduality.

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