Difficult Child

(Names and ages have been changed for privacy reasons)

If you've ever seen a child "throw a tantrum" over the smallest things—like being given water in the wrong-colored cup or having sudden plans change—you're not alone. Dr. Ross Greene's book, 'Difficult Children,' offers a compassionate and practical way to understand and support these children without constant conflict, punishment, or power struggles.

The book's core message is that it's wrong to claim children are behaving "badly." Greene's main point is simple but powerful: "Children will do what they can." In other words, if a child can respond calmly, flexibly, or appropriately, they will. Outbursts and challenging behaviors aren't simply about defiance or manipulation; they're more about inadequate skills. Specifically, children who haven't adequately developed frustration tolerance, flexibility, and problem-solving skills can be challenging.

What makes children "difficult"?

Difficult children don't just have tantrums—they often react very harshly and unpredictably to everyday situations. These reactions often appear disproportionate, frustrating and exhausting parents, teachers, and even therapists.

For example, let's consider nine-year-old Maya. Every time her family told her to stop playing because it was mealtime, she would react by screaming and slamming doors. Punishment didn't work. Rewards didn't work. But with Dr. Greene's approach, it turned out that Maya wasn't behaving "badly"—she was simply acting that way because she felt overwhelmed by the transitions. By working on this and developing her resilience in accepting these transitions, she was able to get rid of the anger that was making her "difficult."

Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) Model

Instead of traditional discipline (punishment, consequences, taking things away), Dr. Greene offers Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS). The main idea here is to solve problems together with the child. However, a small detail: we don't solve the problem for or against the child. This is a model entirely based on empathy, communication, and collaboration.

There are three basic steps:

1. Empathy Step – Begin listening. Try to understand what your child is struggling with by asking open-ended questions. For example, “You got really angry when you had to turn off the iPad. What’s going on?”

2. Define the Problem – Share your own anxieties as an adult. “You need to get enough sleep for school, otherwise you’ll be tired.”

3. Invitation Step – Develop a solution together in the second step. This is sometimes seen as giving in by families, but it's all about building skills and trust.

Let's take an example from a mother who told me about her 11-year-old son. She said he struggled with his homework every week. After we started implementing the CPS (Community-Based Learning System), we asked why it was so difficult. It turned out he didn't understand the instructions but was too embarrassed to ask for help. When we found a solution that satisfied both the mother and the child, we witnessed a decrease in temper tantrums and many of the behaviors described as difficult.

Why is this approach important?

Traditional discipline generally aims for conformity. But for difficult children, this often means more conflict and shame. CPS focuses on resolving the problems that cause behaviors, which not only reduces outbursts but also helps children develop self-confidence and emotional regulation skills. It also encourages bonding. When a child feels heard and included in the process, they feel safe and are less prone to outbursts.

Final Thoughts

Difficult Child isn't just a book for parents of "difficult" children. It's a compassionate guide that helps adults adopt a collaborative, non-punitive approach. Whether you're a parent, teacher, or therapist, Dr. Greene's message is a gentle reminder that behind every tantrum, there's a child waiting for help.

As Dr. Greene said, “Punishment may relieve your stress. It may stop the behavior for a while. But it doesn’t teach children the skills they lack.” And that’s the point—it’s the noble job of parents to teach our children not just how to behave, but how to grow and acquire the necessary skills.

Additional Resources

To better understand and identify which skills your child is lacking, you can use Dr. Greene's Skills and Unresolved Problems Assessment (ASUP 2024) . This tool helps parents identify areas where their children struggle, enabling them to develop more effective problem-solving strategies. You can access the assessment here:

ASUP 2024 Review